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Archive for May, 2016

Blonde Joke Jackpot!

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

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This is a funny one!

There is a one story house, the cieling is green, the funiture is red, the carpet is purple, the fridge is black, the sink is orange , and the counter is yellow. What is the color of the stairs?

answer: there is no stairs its a one story house remember.

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yore momma is so dum she wint to the 50 sents…

yore momma is so dum she wint to the 50 sents conserd and she brog a bag a penns wit her

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Professional Test

Take the following test to see how qualified you are to be a
professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the door put the giraffe in and close the door. This tests
whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the door take the giraffe out and put the elephant in then
close the door. This tests your memory.

3. The lion king is holding an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one, which one?

The elephant, he is in the refrigerator! This tests your
thinking ability.

4. There is a river known for its man-eating crocodiles. How do
you cross it?

You swim, all the animals are at the conference. This tests all
three.

If you answered all four correctly you would be perfect for a
profession. If you answered one correctly you should go into
marketing. If you answered none correctly you should play for
Man United.

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Dos tontilandeses van a robar

Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricach�n. Al llegar, ven un cartel de ‘Cuidado con el perro’.

“V�monos, que aqu� hay perro”.

“Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones”.

Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parab�lica. Regresa, a�n m�s asustado, con Venancio:

“�V�monos, v�monos!”

“�Has visto al perro?”

“No, pero s� el plato en el que come”.

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Disney Land

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said “Disney Land Left,” so the blonde turned back around and went home.

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Men’s Underwear

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men?s briefs.

“So when did you start wearing men?s underwear?” the first asked.

“Ever since my husband found a strange pair under the bed.”

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How Cold Is It?

40oF Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35oF Italian cars don’t start.

32oF Water freezes.

30oF You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.

25oF Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

20oF Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.

15oF N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

12oF You plan a vacation to Mexico.

10oF Too cold to snow

5oF You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

3oF You plan a vacation in Houston.

0oF Too cold to skate. American cars don’t start.

-5oF You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

-10oF Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

-15oF Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-20oF You plan a 2-week hot bath.

-25oF The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don’t start.

-30oF Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button…

Below -30oF The kids call home from college. End of the world:

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Lost Hunters

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.”Am I glad to see you,” he said, “I’ve been lost for three days.””Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied.”I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

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Church Golf Balls

I was at my church auction a few weeks ago, when I passed a
bucket of golf balls with the following note attached: “Have
some balls and make a donation.”

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C.I.A TEST

CIA Test

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, “This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head.” The guy looks at him and says,”no way.” So the director says, “You fail.”

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, “you fail.”

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, “What happened to you?” Guy replies, “After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.”

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Not horny, but have

Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.Sally’s neighbour suggested to Sally that she “spice” up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said “Honey, would you like some of this?”He takes one look, and says “Hell no….I ain’t touching that with a ten foot pole….LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!”

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