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Archive for July, 2016

OUCH!

A man walks into a bar…

…OUCH!

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Chastity Belt Key!

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, “I’m leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs” The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.”

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Llega el due�o de una

Llega el due�o de una casa en compa��a de su abogado a echar una persona de su casa de alquiler y dice el hombre: “�Te dije que no te pagaba la renta hasta que no me resolvieras el problema de las ratas!”

“Veamos”, dice el abogado, “mu�streme las ratas de las cuales habla.”

Al pasar por la cocina ven jaibas, cangrejos, calamares, arrastr�ndose por el suelo y las paredes. Y dice el due�o de la casa: “�Y que hacen todos estos bichos aqu�?”

A lo que el inquilino responde: “�Primero termina con el problema de las ratas y luego seguimos con el de la humedad!”

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Bush and Clinton and Bush

Bush and Gore, together again

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the
other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with
none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a
revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back
with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy
and asks whether Bush is cheating.

“Yes,” replied the spy, “he’s putting holes in the ice.”

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Put them in a barking lot

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

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Bush believes homosapien unions are a sin.

Q: Why are all marriages now illegal in the US?
A: Bush believes homosapien unions are a sin.

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Home Alone

[Image]

Note: Our send this joke to a friend utility doesn’t do images, but if you see this in an email, visit http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=3766 to see what all the fuss is about…

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ADULT: A

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

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Mistaken Identity

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?”

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He’s Gonna Jump!

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he’s going to jump.

Blonde: OK. (Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Here’s my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can’t take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make.I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

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Nurse's Fanclub

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.”Why all the attention ?” the friend asked.”You look fine to me.””I know !” grinned the patient.”But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”

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Irish Pudding

A Irishman went to the doctors with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet, the doctor asked: “What happened paddy?”Paddy replied, “I was opening a pudding an’ it said on the packet pierce ere and stand in boiling water”

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