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Archive for July, 2017

Did Noah keep his bees

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

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Translations Gone Bad

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs
became somewhat lost in the English translation.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will
be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am
daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown
in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they
are married for that purpose.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been
played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to
read notice.

Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the
long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speaking American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion

A Finnish hotel’s instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

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Phone rings; little boy answers.

Salesman says ‘Can I speak to your father?’.
Little boy whispers ‘He’s busy.’
‘What is he doing?’
‘Talking to the firemen.’
Okay, can I speak to your mother?’
Little boy whispers ‘She’s busy
‘What is she doing?’
‘Talking to the policemen.’
Salesman says ‘Let me get this straight there is no adult I can speak to right
now because they are all talking to the police or the firemen.
What’s going on?’ Little boy whispers ‘They’re lookin’ for ME!’

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The latest rumor

“The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to
find a ‘safe haven’ for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave
Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy
who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third
world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?”

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The skeleton

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

He didn’t have the guts!

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Mickey & Minney

The judge said to Mickey “I can not grant you a divorice from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy” and Mickey said “I didnt say she was crazy, i said she was fuckin’ Goofy!

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New Sneakers

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.”What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”” * S * O * L * D * ! ” the man exclaimed.

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The Industrialist Whore

Man 1: I just met a whore who had a vagina surgically implanted
on her hip.

Man 2: Why did she do that?

Man 1: She wanted to make a little extra money on the side.

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Lonely jew in catholic school

one day there was a jewish boy who failed in math.His parents decided to send him to all the great private schools but nothing worked.So his parents sent him to catholic school.All of a sudden his math grades improved to straight A’s.His parents asked him what inspired you to do so well in math.The boy replied:when i saw that guy nailed to a plus sign i knew they meant business.

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Gay guys

3 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a condom starts floating on the water. the first gay guy asks “who farted?”

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A Blonde In School

once there was a blonde at school and she was in math class and
the teacher asked her a question bridgette what is 2+2.She just
sat there for a while. um she said i think it is 7. all the kids
looked at her. the teacher said no that is wrong. um she said 2.
once again the kids looked at her. no the teacher said.
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, i donno. the teacher said you better think
about the answer all day and tell me the answer tommrow ok she
said.

THE NEXT DAY…………
well the teacher said what is the answer she just sat there she
did not know the answer for the rest of her life…….

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You fish in your above-ground

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

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