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Archive for October, 2017

Old Man Hot Mama

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you the other day?” he inquired.

“Oh, I surely do.” the old gent replied, “Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I’m cheerful”

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Jokes of science 01

At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The ‘wave’.The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train? Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x)” One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA. Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

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Funny jokes

yo mama so dumb she locked herself in da toilet and shit her pants

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Reality Check

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”

I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

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Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

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Final exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,”What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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How does the guy who

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

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Since Americans throw rice at

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

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Transplant

two guys in a bar talking when one says “im really unhappy about being bald” the other says “why dont you have a transplant” he replies “dont be stupid id look even worse with a liver on my head”

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A poem by paul McCartney

Poem by Paul McCartney. We lay upon the grassy bank,my hands were all a quiver, i slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

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You’re a redneck … the most serious loss

You’re a redneck if….
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record
collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

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If this company ran Christmas…

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

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