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Archive for December, 2018

Clean short jokes

What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way…

Why don’t aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : “Funny, I smell carrots too”.

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Jesus Was Gay

He was nailed by three guys.
The Bible says it’s OK to to be gays if you are high:
“A man who lays with another man should be stoned.” Leviticus 20:13 ESV
—–
Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did God say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me…”

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Alaska Earthquake


Courtesy yahoo.com

15 FUNNY TWEETS ABOUT THE EARTH QUAKE TODAY: SHAKE, RATTLE & JOKE!
SUNNY CHANEL

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PHOTO: D.C. DEVASTATION
What did people in the East Coast do immediately after the earth quake today? Were they standing in door ways, rushing to their kids’ school to confirm that they were okay, or making a round of telephone calls to make sure everyone they know and love was a-okay? Nope. What did they do? They went to twitter. And they went to Twitter to leave a clever quip, make a joke, or tweet a wee bit of sarcasm.

Check out these 15 funny tweets about the earthquake in the East Coast today…which is the funniest?

@RuwaydaMustafah
You know your addicted to Twitter when you tweet “Earthquake OMG” instead of looking for the exit door. #USA

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@eorlins
To all those in CA making fun of our reaction to the quake, let’s see you handle rationally 2 feet of snow, then we can talk. #earthquake

@bronk
F!, its only been like a half hour & I’ve already finished my 15 day supply of emergency food 🙁 #earthquake

@ Katulis
Main impact of DC earthquake seems to be that the happy hour start time moved up about 4 hours for most people.

@dmuth
BREAKING: Philly cops respond to earthquake by shooting the ground!

@adam_fogle
UPDATE: Millions of Americans struggling to make earthquake about them.

@joeveix
For the record, everyone in Brooklyn felt the earthquake before it was cool.

@ChuckWendig
After the earthquake, I threw a chair through my front window and stole my TV. Mistakes were made.

@Real_Housewives
It just so happened, there was an earthquake after it was announced that Will and Jada had ‘separated’. The earth was angry

@TheFakeCNN
Republicans and Democrats already blaming each other for the earthquake.

@TheMissE
Whenever an #Earthquake happens, Twitter transforms into the Weather Channel.

@RennaW
DARN IT!!!! I was this close to finishing my Etch-a-Sketch masterpiece. #earthquake

@truskowski
Earthquake survival tips. 1) update status 2) check in to unlock epic swarm badge 3) text friend and ask if they felt it too.

@mstoreshaw
Pro tip: during an earthquake, stand in a door frame or go under your desk, and bring your phone so you can still make jokes on Twitter.

@jdickerson
Federal officials report that in wake of earthquake all jokes have been exhausted. Joke backup systems dangerously stretched.

Cortesy www.babble.com

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Do you know who I am?


Courtesy: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/

In a court trial in a small town in Nebraska, the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand. He walked up to her and asked “Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?”

She answered: “Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley. I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs. You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher. Oh, I know who you are all right.”

The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor. Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”

She replied: “Of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Carbuncle ever since he was a child. He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse. He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county. On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife. Yes, I know exactly who he is.”

The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.

The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice: “If any of you brats ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind bars for life!”

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I’ll be a republican


Courtesy http://jobsanger.blogspot.com/

Proud to Be a Democrat

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Trump. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. “Mary,” says the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Because I’m not a Republican,” says Mary. “Well, what are you?” asks the teacher. “I’m a Democrat and proud of it,” replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?” she asks. “Well, my mom and dad are Democrats, so I’m a Democrat, too.” “Well,”says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don’t always have to be like your parents or do what your parents do. What if your mom and dad were criminals, what would you be then?”.
Mary smiled. “Then we’d be Republicans.”

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An Alaskan stranded on an island


An Alaskan has been stranded on a tiny island for man years. One day he was looking out over the ocean as always, when suddenly he saw something on the horizon. He thought to himself, “Hmm, that my be a ship.”

But as the thing came closer, he started to lose hope. First it seemed to be a small boat, then maybe a raft. But it was just too small. Finally, a figure broached the surface of the water, and a person in a diving suit walked up on the beach.

The diver took off the oxygen tank and mask, revealing underneath it a beautiful woman. She walked up to the Alaskan and said to him, “Tell me, when was the last time you had a smoke?”

“More than ten years ago,” the man said in an astonished tone.

Opening a pocket in her diving suit, she pulled out a lighter and packet of cigarettes and handed them to the Alaskan.

With a reverence, the man lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply.

“Oh boy, I’d forgotten how good this feels.”

“And when was the last time you had whiskey?” the blonde woman asked.

Shaking, the man replied, “More than ten years.”

The woman then unzipped another pocket, pulled out a hip flask and handed it to the man, who took a deep swig.

“OMG, that’s good!”

The woman then started slowly unzipping her wet suit, looked at the shaking man and said, “And when was the last time you had a real nice ride?”

The Alaskan went down on his knees with tears in his eyes, and said, “Well I’ll be damned! You brought a snowmobile?!?”

SHARE this if you laughed!

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Two Mexicans got lost in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Jose says

“Hey , do you smell what I smell. Smelling like bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Mario, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Jose, Jose, we ees saved. Ees a bacon and it is tree.”

“Mario, maybe ees a miracle? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Jpse, since when deed you ever hear of a imagination that smell like bacon…ees no imagination, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Jose with his dying breath,

“Jose… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Mario, Mario My amigo… What ees it? ”

“Jose.. Ees not a bacon tree.

It is a Ham Bush….”

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Airline apologises for staff who mocked five-year-old Abcde’s name


An American airline has apologised after a member of staff was accused of ridiculing five-year-old Abcde Redford’s name.

Traci Redmond was travelling with her daughter, who pronounces her name “ab-si-dee”, when she said a Southwest Airlines boarding gate employee at at California’s John Wayne Airport began laughing and took a photograph of the child’s boarding pass, before posting it online.

“The gate agent started laughing, pointing at me and my daughter, talking to other employees. So I turned around and said, ‘Hey if I can hear you, my daughter can hear you, so I’d appreciate if you’d just stop,’” she told ABC7 News.

They were travelling to their home in El Paso, Texas, and were boarding early as Abcde has epilepsy.

“While I was sitting there, she took a picture of my boarding pass and chose to post it on social media, mocking my daughter,” said Ms Redmond.

The boarding pass posted online
The boarding pass posted online
“It was actually brought to my attention by somebody who had seen it on Facebook and reported it to Southwest Airlines. And after two weeks of doing a formal complaint, Southwest hadn’t done anything.”

The airline apologised to the family in a statement.

“We take great pride in extending our Southwest Hospitality to all of our Customers, which includes living by the Golden Rule and treating every individual with respect, in person or online. The post is not indicative of the care, respect, and civility we expect from all of our employees,” it said, although it declined to say what action it had taken against its member of staff.

The name Abcde may be rare but it is not unique.

In 2014, seven-year-old Abcde Santos, who has autism, made headlines when she was turned away from a shopping centre Santa’s grotto because of the pit bull service dog
Source:
https://www.yahoo.com/news/airline-apologises-staff-mocked-five-023612795.html

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Chinese

Fu king Chinese Restaurant

Fu king Chinese restaurant sign

Family of 5
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States. In order to get a visa, they have to change their names to something more like Americans.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

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Caption please


Captions please .

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Freedom in Russia

. An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing will happen to me either.”

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