Children’s Bible Essays

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but
a ball of fire by night.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by
profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called

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