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Human Resources Memo!

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

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Love to fish

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

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You’ve Got Mail

A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

“No,” she replied, “My computer keeps telling me I have mail.”

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Dumb jokes

your mamma is so stupid that she sat on the tv and watched the couch

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Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when they’re fucked!

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Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune…

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
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Early shopping trip.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early sir”, replied the defendant.

“Well that’s not an crime”, said the judge! “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened”, answered the prisoner.

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Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants

5. I’m not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I’m always available.
3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

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3 nuns and a priest

Two priests were going to have there daily shower but when they reached the showers they discovered they had left there soap back at the dorms. One of the priests, without putting his clothes back on, desided that he would go and fetch the soap.One his way back to the showers with the soap he noticed that there was three nuns heading his way, so he decided to act like a statue.When the nuns reached him they commented on how life like he was. one of the nuns decided that she would tug on the priests penis.She tugged three times and a bar of soap popped out of the priests hand, the nun thought that she had found a soap dispencer.The second nun thought she would have her free soap so she tugged as well and out came the soap.Now it was the third nuns turn so she tugged on the penis and nothing came out so she tugged again and again.The nun was very pleased as the soap dispencer turned out to be a hand lotion machian as well!

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Bug's End

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? It’s ass.

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Tres mujeres est�n conversando de

Tres mujeres est�n conversando de sexo. Una de ellas les pregunta a las otras:

“�Y ustedes c�mo saben cuando est�n excitadas?”

“Yo voy al ba�o y me toco el calz�n; si est� mojado, estoy excitada”, contesta la primera.

“Yo me toco los pezones; si est�n duritos estoy excitada”, responde otra.

“Pues para m� es s�per f�cil: me meto un choclo en la vagina; si salen palomitas (pop corn, rosetas, etc.) estoy excitada”.

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rules

bill says to bob. Let’s set some guide lines.
1: Don’t fucking swear
2: Don’t call people names, bugger-face
3: Smoking isn’t good for you, hey can you get me a pack of
CAMEL ciggarets?
4: Don’t steal cars. Check out that Ferrai!!

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