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Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the
word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

First little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The
teacher says, “Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange
depending on the weather.”

Second, a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.” “Sorry,
but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold,” said the
teacher.

Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,
“Does a fart have lumps?” The teacher looks horrified and says,
“Johnny! That’s disgusting. Of course not!” “OK… then I have
definitely shit in my pants,” said Johnny.

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Drowning

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But
where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m
sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout
and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

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Math one-liner

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

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Un turista regresa a su

Un turista regresa a su pa�s con un pollito que le hab�an regalado de recuerdo. En el avi�n, la azafata le explica que no se pueden llevar animales; as� que el viajero sale, se esconde el pollito en los calzoncillos y vuelve a entrar al aparato. Se sienta al lado de una monjita y se echa a dormir.

M�s tarde, el pollito saca la cabeza por entre la bragueta del hombre; mira tiernamente a la religiosa y emite un p�o, p�o. La mujer se alarma y se dirige al paseante:

“�Despierte, r�pido, despierte! Mire usted que yo no entiendo mucho de esto, pero me parece que se le rompi� un huevo”.

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Jaimito estaba en el sal�n

Jaimito estaba en el sal�n de clase con sus compa�eros. Como la profesora no llegaba, todos los alumnos comenzaron a hacer alboroto. Cuando lleg� la profesora vio el desorden que hab�a y comenz� a interrogar a los ni�os.

“Juanita, �Qu� haz hecho t�?”

“Yo dibuj� en la pizarra.”

“Pedrito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� mi pupitre contra el suelo.”

“Jaimito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� serpentina por la ventana.”

“Caramba, aprendan de Jaimito que no es un malcriado como ustedes.”

Pero al pasar unos minutos, tocan la puerta de la clase y entra una ni�a toda golpeada. La profesora le pregunta:

“�Qui�n eres?”

“Yo me llamo Serpentina.”

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Knock KnockWho’s there?Donna Mae!Donna Mae

Knock KnockWho’s there?Donna Mae!Donna Mae who?Donna Mae-k you an offer you can’t refuse!

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Short gender jokes

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Crime=Idiots=Don’t Pay!

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”

Elsewhere…

In Nashville, they tell of Fred “Bubba” Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

Meanwhile…

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

And…

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail…entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet….

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland…

Lawrence, Kansas – Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .

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“I am dyslexic of Borg.

“I am dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.”

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Ugly

I saw someone that looked like you, but then the dog turned around.

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Autoblonde

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

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The frog & the man

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’ He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero’ The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.’ The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog then cried out, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.’ Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, ‘What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’The man said, ‘Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.’

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