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Dental Buddhism

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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The government cuts costs

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.”Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.”

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Dog named Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was ‘Mypenis’?Mypenis ate my homework.Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.I love giving Mypenis a bath.Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?Help! I can’t find Mypenis!Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!Watch it or you’ll step on Mypenis.When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.Sorry I’m late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night…

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Palm Sunday

Once there was a little boy named Johnny who was three years old. When it
was Palm Sunday, he couldn’t wait to go to church to find out what Palm
Sunday was. But sadly, Johnny came down with the chickenpox. His parents
hired a baby-sitter to take care of Johnny while they went to church. When
they came home holding palm leaves, Johnny asked, “What are the palm tree
leaves for mommie?” She replied, “When Jesus walked through the town,
people waved palm leaves at him in respect.” Johnny looked upset and said,
“Wouldn’t ya know? The first day I’m not in church, he shows up!”

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Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?A: He can’t give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

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Una familia fue a la

Una familia fue a la playa y todos se metieron al agua, excepto la mucama que no sab�a nadar.

Un tipo abusado que se dio cuenta de todo, se dijo, ahora s�, �sta es m�a y se sent� junto a la muchacha para platicar con ella. Al rato la convenci� de que se metieran al agua ya que �l la ense�ar�a a nadar.

Ya en el agua, la muchacha estaba en posici�n de muertito flotando pero abrazada por el sujeto quien le dec�a:

“�Ya vez qu� f�cil es nadar?, �mira que bien lo haces!”

La mucama emocionada le pregunt�:

“Oiga �si me saca el dedo me ahogo?”

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Politics and Insults

“What do you mean,” roared the politician, “by publicly insulting me in your old rag of a paper? I will not stand for it, and I demand an immediate apology.”

“Just a moment,” answered the editor. “Didn’t the news item appear exactly as you give it to us, namely, that you had resigned as city treasurer?”

“It did, but where did you put it? — in the column under the heading ‘Public Improvements.'”

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

“You wanna wank?”, she asked.

“You bet,” came the excited reply.

“O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”

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What Can Bill Gates Do With His Money?

At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42
billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000).

He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31per heartbeat,
and this is escalating. Here are some things he could do with
his money:

* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan’s salary for 1,394 years.

* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth
$7.46.

* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.

* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.

* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.

* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to
the University of Washington for four years.

* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.

* Fund the US peace keeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.

* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.

* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his
royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the
best selling author of all time.

* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by
buying 3,529,411,765 copies of “Middle of Nowhere.”

* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2
billion), he could make 227 sequels to “Waterworld,” or 35,000
sequels to “Sling Blade.”

* At the median donation for spending a night in the White
House, he coulds tay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.

* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County,
at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360
people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.

* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike
Tyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.

* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France
45,258,621 times.

* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy
Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years,
and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.

* At Denny’s, he could buy a “Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast” for
9,150,326,797 people.

* If he couldn’t get service, he could buy every man, woman and
child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one
“Super Sizes.”

* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top
Ramen noodles.

* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of
French roast at his local Starbuck’s.

* Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those
Sally Struther’s foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps
what he need to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses
and some hair conditioner.

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10 things to never say to a naked man…

Uh…top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww…that’s cute
9. Well, at least you’re good at other things
8. Do you think it’ll fit my old Barbie� clothes?
7. My li’l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh…look…its hiding!

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Make a Wish

10 year old Johnny’s mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn’t made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn’t see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother’s room and stops dead in his tracks, ’cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating ” Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.”

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn’t see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma’s door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating ” Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man.” Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma’s door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams ” I GOT IT !!!!!!”

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING ” OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE”

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Un d�a, frot�ndose la cabeza,

Un d�a, frot�ndose la cabeza, Pepito siente una protuberancia y va y le pregunta a su mam�:

“Mam�, �por qu� tengo este chich�n en la cabeza?”

“Pues lo tienes desde que naciste, hijo. Lo que pasa es que cuando ibas a nacer, a tu pap� le dieron ganas de hacer el amor y, como t� ven�as de cabeza, te hizo ese chipote con su cosa”.

Pepito se queda pensando y responde: “�Qu� suerte que ven�a de cabeza!, porque si hubiera venido de nalgas… �el cabr�n nos coge a los dos!”

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