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Monicagate sells soap

An Israeli soap powder company is using the U.S. presidential sex scandal to sell stain-removing detergent.In a television commercial, the Lever Israel company suggests that its Biomat detergent can deal with even the most stubborn stains caused by what has euphemistically been called DNA material.It shows ”FBI agents” entering the ”home” of Monica Lewinsky to remove, wash and return the dress at the center of an investigation into whether President Bill Clinton had an affair with the former White House intern and told her to lie about it.For what the company called legal reasons, the spelling of Lewinsky’s name on a mailbox outside the house was Monika Lavinsky.But the two agents slip up in their apparent mission to protect the president.On leaving the house, they report by wrist radio the dress is now ”whiter then white” — only to be told by a voice in their earpieces: ”White? But it’s a blue dress.”The commercial, already aired on Israeli news programs, premiered on Monday to coincide with Clinton’s closed circuit television testimony to a federal grand jury.”We believe that this kind of humor will help us reach the consumer,” Yair Sharett, a Lever Israel representative, told Reuters

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Jurassic lesbians??!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur??………… …….. Lickalotapus!!

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Una pareja est� en el

Una pareja est� en el cine viendo una pel�cula porno, y el chico le pide a su novia:

“Mamita, h�game la paja”.

“Pero yo no s� c�mo es”.

�l le explica que es como batir una Pepsi-Cola. Al rato, el novio empieza a gemir y ella le pregunta:

“�Voy bien, mi amor?”

“S� mamita, pero qu�tele el dedito”.

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SCHOOL DAYS

sorry this really isnt ablonde joke but these are the only jokes people read and this is a hilarious joke.

One day this teacher was teaching about GOD. She asked Tommy to come and answer a few question in front of the class. Tommy said sure.

The teacher asked, “Can you see the chair?””
Tommy replied

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Old Lady

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”
The old lady says “Well tell me about them.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for.”

She responds, “Forget that one, what about the next one.”

He explains, “For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years.”

The lady says, “No, that’s no good either, what about the last one.”

The doctor replies, “For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw.”

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.”

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Losing interest

How does a woman know when her husband is losing interest?

When his favorite sexual position is “next door”.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Foreign Exchange Rates

A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two
week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in
order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gave
the teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150
dollars.

A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he
returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but
this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the
difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken
English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same
amount of money. The teller replied, “Fluctuations.”

Flustered, the tourist responded, “Well fluck choo crazy
Americans too!”

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The Farmer and his boys…

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, “Son, come here.” He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, “This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car”.
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
“Well”, the father said, “as soon as the tractor is paid for we’ll see about getting you your scooter.”

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father’s explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it’s rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, “Son, now why would you do something like that?
He didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

The third son replied, “Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!”

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Dogs `n Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

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Who To Marry

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

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Least Popular Philosophical Questions

30> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of “Star Trek” conventions, would there be at least one with a life?29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can’t move him?26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?25> The sky’s just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn’t kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?23> What will I have for lunch today — chicken salad or egg salad?22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?19> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?18> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?17> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin?16> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus’ ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament?15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)?14> Why aren’t the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves?13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?11> Which came first — the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a “Dragnet”? 9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5> If I am, do I drink? 4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list?1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody?

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Gator Country

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”

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