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Question and answer blonde joke

Q: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

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Flying high

Airline employees’ entertaining little quips – all real:

‘Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.’

Pilot: ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.’

And after landing: ‘Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a voice comes over the loudspeaker, ‘Whoa, big fella, whoa!’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

From an airline employee: ‘Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more…

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

‘Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.’

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, a flight attendant’s voice came over the intercom and said: ‘That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

After another hard landing, the first officer was finding it difficult to look anyone in the eye as they exited the plane. Almost everyone had got off the plane when this little old lady walking with a cane asked him, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why no ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’
The old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with. ‘Ladies and gentleman, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Exahausted?’

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a
student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final
test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass
jock raises his hand.
“What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually
exahausted?”

”Well, I guess you’d just have to use your other hand to
write with.”

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A Letter To Tide

Dear Tide, I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend’s place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn’t do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can’t praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags… Thanks again! John Smith

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Crazy Blondes

Q. What do you call a Blonde with pig tails?
A. A blowjob with handlebars.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

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Ouch

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.

When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles,” said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men’s clothing store, he thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like to see some of your suits.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll, so he said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see. . 9 Wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed and said, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman and calamjo

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Knock KnockWho’s there?Farrah!Farrah who?Farrah ‘nough!

Knock KnockWho’s there?Farrah!Farrah who?Farrah ‘nough!

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Hell on your head

A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to
give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all
eternity.
The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads
in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were
not for him.
Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their
heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold
and could not spend eternity this way.
Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners
and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were
drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the
sight of coffee and decided upon this room.
Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the
supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and �Coffee break is over!
Everyone back on their heads!”

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Dead dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick: “$500? – Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

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Vengeance Is Mine!

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got
home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the
man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in
a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You�re not going to cut it
off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the
garage on fire.”

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Your House Is So Dirty

Your house is so dirty, I had to wipe my feet before I came outside.

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Hole in One

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

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