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Marry Again?

“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.””That’s a shame.”said his friend , “How did it happen?””She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

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Gravestones

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, “When you
die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My
Wife–Cold As Ever.'”

“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff At Last.'”

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What time?

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

“On my way over here,” said Louise, “I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?”

Her friend Martha responed, “When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and… Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he’s soothed the pain away. You should try it!”

“I’d love to,” her friend replied. “What time does your husband get home?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

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Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete…

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. “Dam.”

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Yo Poor Momma…….

Yo momma so poor, I saw her kicking
a can and I asked her what she was
doing and she said moving.

Yo momma so poor, I saw her chasing
the garbage truck with her shopping
list in her hand.

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CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad
in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed
against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,
“Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall
and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order
was given Al yelled out, “Tornado!” Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped
over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was
thinking, “I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster
and hop over the wall.” He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad
was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear
to ear and yelled, “Fire!”

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Prostitution

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!”

“A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”

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Mathematical baby formula

Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply.

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Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.”I’ll just crawl home.”The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said “Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.”How did you know?””You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

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The Week Before Christmas…

The Week Before Christmas

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldn’t be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name

”Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didn’t feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

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Santa's children

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?Because he only comes once a year.. and that’s down a chimney.

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Era la primera cita de

Era la primera cita de Pepito con su novia, y �ste no sab�a que hacer. Por eso, su hermano mayor y �l estaban hablando a trav�s de unos walkie-talkie.

Se hizo de noche y Pepito va a dejar a su novia a su departamento. Como Pepito quer�a tener sexo con ella, comienza a comunicarse con su hermano.

“Oye, quiero acostarme con mi chava, �qu� es lo primero que debo hacer?”

“Primero, ll�vala a su cama y dale un beso”, le instruye el hermano.

“Ya lo hice, ahora qu�”.

“Qu�tale la ropa”.

“S� ya, qu� sigue”.

“Ahora qu�tale la ropa interior”.

“Listo, qu� m�s”.

“Bueno, desv�stete t�”.

“Qu� sigue”.

“Por �ltimo, m�tele lo que s�lo t� y yo tenemos”.

Pasan 5 minutos y el hermano intrigado le pregunta: “�Pepito, qu� haces?”

“Lo que me dijiste, le met� lo que s�lo t� y yo tenemos”.

“��Y que le metiste?!”

“El walkie-talkie”.

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