15 things to do on a bus

1. Pretend you are saving the seat next to you for your
invisible friend, and if anyone tries to sit on the seat,
scream, “Don’t sit on Jake!”
2. When someone tries to get on the bus, tell them there is
another bus behind.
3. Say to someone you have never met before,”Oh my god! It’s
been ages since I’ve seen you! How’s John and Katy? It must have
been about 3 years”etc. See if they pretend to know you.
4. Shout, “FIRE!”, and when everyone gets off the bus, you will
get a seat.
5. Throw popcorn at people, and when they look at you, whistle
and hum so it is obvious that you are pretending you didn’t do
6. Make a pass at the person sitting next to you.
7. Speak really loudly into your mobile, just saying, “yes. No.
Maybe. Pass. I dunno” etc.
8. Hold up the bus using your finger as a gun.
9. Use your bus pass as a FBI/Police card, and show it to
10. tell the person next to you about how sick you get on buses
11. Keep shouting, “I need to go to the toilet!”
12. Offer your seat to someone, and when they try to take it,sit
down quickly and say,”MINE!”
13. Do the Full Monty, if you dare!
14. Say to someone, “I know what you did!”,or “I know where you
live” etc. in an evil voice.
15. Put your walkman on really loudly and dance in a crazy way.

If anyone else has anyother ideas, e-mail me at:

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College Entrance Exa

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)8. What are people in America’s far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS 9. Spell — CAT, DOG, PIG 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

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Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her….

Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

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Maths Specialist

A young jewish boy was doing very poorly in school, especially in mathematics. So, his father, after much deliberation, decided to send him to a catholic school because he’d heard that they were very good. For three months, the father didn’t see much of the son because he was always studying. On his first report card, he got all a’s. His dad was mystified by the incredibly excellent results and asked his son how it could be that he was doing so well. He’d expected improvement but this was really quite amazing! His son replied “well, I really knew they meant business that very first day when i walked into the classroom and they had that guy nailed to the plus sign!”

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Glass of Water

One night a father sent his kid to bed.Five minutes later the boy screamed,”Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!””No. You had your chance,” said the father.A minute later the boy screamed,”Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?””No. You had your chance.The next time you ask, I’m going to come up there and give you a good spanking!” said the Dad.Two minutes later the boy screamed,”Dad! When you come up to spank mecan you bring me a glass or water?”

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Una joven y atractiva actriz

Una joven y atractiva actriz de cine le comenta a una amiga:

“En mi pr�xima pel�cula voy a aparecer totalmente desnuda…”

Hace una pausa y luego, echando chispas por los ojos y con voz enfurecida, agrega:

“�Es que quiero demostrarles a esos cr�ticos patanes que no s�lo soy una cara bonita!”

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What’s the difference between a Catholic wife…

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
– A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

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In an East African newspaper:…

In an East African newspaper:

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

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men are like public restrooms either engaged or ful of shit.

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Last Request

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. “No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions.” The guard nodded and agreed. “Go ahead,” said the guard. The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

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San Francisco Native

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO WHEN:Getting a really great parking spot can move you to tears.You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.A man walks on BART in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t notice.You curse those damn tourists – but always stop to help a cute person who is holding a city map, looking puzzled.Each time you drive under an underpass, for one moment you think ‘earthquake.’Your co-worker tells you s/he has eight body piercings – none are visible.You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call. ‘Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?’You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.You can’t remember… Is pot still illegal?You go to your office manager’s baby shower. The parents are named Judy and Becky.You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.Your boss runs in ‘The Bay to Breakers’ … it’s the first time you have seen him/her nude.Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named ‘Breeze’.You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to the Bay Area.You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

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Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”

“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.

“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.

“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

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