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Derek

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Derek.

Derek who?

I derek you to jump off the edge.

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Why do cows wear bells??…

Why do cows wear bells??

Cause their horns dont work!!!

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I’ve suffered enough, when does

I’ve suffered enough, when does my artwork improve?

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Rob the supermarket

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”

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Sucked into

The White House scandal wasn’t really Bill’s fault.

It was just something he got sucked into.

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Close

“Paula Jones….Close But NO CIGAR!!”

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Raking leaves

A: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
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A: She fell out of the tree.

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Elephant fart

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

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Texas builds it larger

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab
on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab
driver “What’s that building there?” “That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the
cabbie. “The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About 12 years” replied the cabbie.

“12 years? We build ’em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long
down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention
Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan. “That’s the
Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How
long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About three years” replied the
cabbie. “Three years? We build ’em twice as high, three times as long and four
times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.”

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. “What’s that building
there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. “Danged if I know” replied the
cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”

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Is there a Santa Claus?

Is there a Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) –
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total –
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer”
(see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison–this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he’s dead now.

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Caring for your Wedd

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.”Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

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Face cream

there was man walking down a road on his way to a shop,he meets his old budy and they become friendly after sometime his buddy tells him i will give you 500 dollars if you remove your clothes walk into the shop and buy some two choclates, he agrees and strips handing over his clothes to his buddy,he goes into the shop and buys the two choclates but finds his pal gone with his clothes. after some time three ladies pass by and see him he stands still not moving at all,one of the girls go hey look at the candy machines they make these days,so the first girl puts a coin into his mouth and shkes his dic,the second lady did the same and walks with her candy the third girl also did but since the guy just bought only 2 choclates,nothing happened,so the lady tryed again and again, later her friends ask her if she got any candy,she said no, but they give a lot of face cream.

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